Atelophobia
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Assalamualaikum!  People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Let your faith be bigger than your fears. I pour my heart and thoughts here Pardon my words Tagboard
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I still just a coward :(
Hey...
Calling you by name feels odd. I think I did it just once, the first time we spoke on the phone, after that we always called each other 'bie', 'sayang'. That and all the nicknames I gave you, one sillier than the other, but you loved them all. We spent a lot of time twitting, texting, then chatting online, then on the phone. I think my favorite was 'sayangggg' when you heard it was me on the line, saying “bie”, with that perfect pitch and all the happiness behind, happy that it was me. I never meet you and you never got to meet my parents . They always saw u as 'the big bad foreigner' that was going to take their precious little daughter away, and in the end they made you break up with me. I was crying and I keep telling myself that I love you and all i wanted was YOU, but our relationship had to end. Like the stupid coward I am, I just went “Okay”. I tried to comfort myself by telling 'ME' how much you deserved happiness and someone so much better than me.
That was a month ago. And you seem quiet "Okay" without me. Plus last night, you even said that my blog is NOTHING because feeling is not really important compare to what-you-called DESIRE. That DESIRE-things is what you've been looking for from me, and i dont haw none of that. Feeling is everything towards me. So start from now on, who will comfort me? Why can't I be happy for you? Am I so petty that I can't allow you to be happy without feeling sorry for myself?
I set myself up for pain and misery. I decided the bathroom needed to be cheerier, more colorful and bought a shower curtain with colored dots. While in the shower I realized they remind me of you, that time, during your birthday when i surprise you with a little wish jar filled with all the list of '100 things i love about you'(and of course its actually more) . It was kinda queen pink in color and I am really really really scared to post it to as it is pink in color, stupid me. But you said you really you appreciate it , THANK YOU.
I even had your picture in a frame in a desk drawer. Every time I'd be looking for something and open that drawer, your smiling face would meet me and I'd freeze. Cursing myself, I'd close the drawer, just to do the same thing again next time. Several times I've been angling, asking if you're happy and you always say you are. You must have noticed it. You're too smart not to.
I wanted to blame my parents but now I know my own cowardice is to blame. I wanted to blame faith for putting us on opposite sides of the Atlantic but we are masters of our own faiths. If I had chosen You instead of choosing not to choose, today would be different. If that particular time when you'd let me love you again I'd drop everything to be with you.
Funny thing is, I Did get a second chance. Right after we broke up. But why didn't I just step in and go for it? Third chance? I highly doubt there will be one.
I want to go back in time, have a friendly chat with my younger self just before that day we were over. I'd slap her hard on the face, repeatedly. Standing over the prone body I'd say “Oh you think that hurts? Lemme tell you about My last few years...” I'm afraid. Afraid that no one will ever feel for me like you did, or that no one can ever live up to you. Afraid that what I'm feeling now is not love for you, just pity for myself. Afraid of that telling you all this might hurt what you have today, and you'd hate me for it. Afraid of that you wouldn't care or be bothered by it. I don't know which one scares me the most. No, I do know what I'm most afraid of. I just don't want to admit it to myself. So here I am, anonymously posting my FEELING towards you on a blog. Is it that I care about your feelings, or am I still just a coward. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was such a coward that I didn't fight for us. I'm sorry I can't feel happy for your happiness.I'm sorry for being 'that girl', mailing and seeking contact when you're busy being truly happy with your life. 
love,
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Hello. My name is Nabila. Most people called me Belon because my real name is way too long. Born on 6th August and nobody remember it. I find it Funny that many people dont know where my country is, which is Malaysia. but i really dont care :) well, Its hard to get up in the morning, not because I'm still sleepy, its just that I'm not looking forward to anything throughout the day . but, What you want and what God wants could be two different things, you just have to trust Him because His plan is the best one possible for you ! 
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