Atelophobia;

Assalamualaikum!

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel. Let your faith be bigger than your fears.
I pour my heart and thoughts here
Pardon my words

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I am, THE QUEEN .

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True .

After every stupid argument we happened to have I knew he would come back anyway, sure I foolishly took him for granted, but all of a sudden he completely shut me out without a word. I know I'm fucked in so many ways because I haven't only lost a person who actually cared deeply for me, but I sort of lost my best friend. I lost someone I never thought I would lose.

I've gone through our conversations in my head probably a million times unable to find a solution to what actually happened between the two of us us. I guess you just need to smile and forget. Forget about all our deep conversations, and forget about us sleeping next to one another via phone calls. I guess I have to forget the way he complemented me and the way he completed me at the same time. Forget about all the times during those long calls and I'll probably have to forget him giving me advice about guys when it probably was incredibly painful for him to begin with. I'll have to forget our misunderstandings and our stupid arguments, but that was just us, being sillier than ever.

I never thought he would mean anything more to me than a friend. I never thought I would ever lose him, and I certainly never could've anticipated for things to end up as they have. He did exactly what I keep preaching about; he let go. He set standards and built walls to prevent himself from getting heartbroken again. He decided not to let me in again which he's made very clear.

I've been stupid all along. I never cared, or at least that's what I thought. I ended up caring. Now I'm the one sitting here wanting to see him. Now I'm the confused one. Now I'm the one reminiscing. I'm having to let go of someone who I've been trying to reach out to now. I'm having to let go of the only person who actually cared. The only person who actually knew me and never judged. I'm sorry, love. I no longer know how to feel. He wants nothing to do with me and I'm here, lying toward my own feeling.

He asked, "do you ever be sincerely loving me through out our relationship this whole years ?"

and my answer was, "no, my feeling toward you are nothing, silly."

But isn't it funny? How I thought I could manage, how I thought I could fight, how I thought I was so much bigger than anything that would threaten this love, and yet it's never hit me until now that the only thing threatening this love is his empathy, his indifference, his irresponsibility, or better yet his decision to remain oblivious to any of this, to all of this.

Pathetic, to stand in this alone, to walk through it alone. And I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break things and break down, break out of this cage I've imprisoned my soul in. Yet, there's no point in any of this, no reason behind it, no lessons to learn.

To be filled with so many emotions all at once, all at the same exact instant in time, I feel paralyzed and unable to control or hold onto any of them, as if my own mind has decided to launch a war against my heart, not to kill it but to deeply hurt it, brutally deform it, to mortify it...

love,

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True .

He asked, "do you ever be sincerely loving me through out our relationship this whole years ?"

and my answer was, "no, my feeling toward you are nothing, silly."

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